‘The okada man I took today was really very careless. He threw me on the ground.’
‘Hmmm… I am so clumsy. Don’t mind me.’
Have you heard a woman say any of the above on numerous occasions, especially when trying to explain away a bruise? Do not be deceived. It’s either she’s going through hell at the hands of an abuser or she is for a fact, clumsy. And trust me, if she is clumsy, it would be her little secret.
I represent the abuser as male, not for lack of female culprits; but we all know most of our dear male counterparts are masters in the act of female domination. Ask them, they will tell you how many more inches their already giant-sized egos grow when this happens. Yes, I said it. Sue me – or hit me!
An abuser takes the form of either a sexual partner or a family member. What I don’t understand is why someone who claims to care for you would want to hurt you. Although abuse can also be mental or emotional, physical abuse is more discussed since it leaves noticeable scars. Have you seen an abuse victim up, close and personal? Not only does she look like a child’s bad paint job (not trying to be mean), but she’s damaged emotionally too. She, in effect bids farewell to self- confidence and embraces insecurity.
The disturbing part of all this is how much the victim hates the treatment, but seems to enjoy it at the same time (since she won’t leave) When a woman is determined to stay with an abuser, she will make up gazillion excuses to justify his actions. She believes he is the ying to her yang and so would not entertain any suggestions that remotely sound like ‘leave him or you would be toast.’
How, though, can an abuser be spotted? You can count on me to enlighten you since I can sniff them out from miles away. I have the ‘abuser-radar’, and so can you. Let’s go.
He is a career-abuser if he:
*Gradually alienates you from your family and friends, giving lame reasons for his decision. This gives him the licence to mess with you and not pay for his actions. At the end of the day, you would have no one to be confined in, but his sick self.
*Is naturally bossy and authoritative; and totally disregards your opinions. What he says is the gospel and should be revered;
*Makes you totally dependent on him; if not financially, physically, emotionally or even sexually. The without you- I’m nothing- syndrome starts to take effect, like heroine to a junkie.
*Constantly humiliates you or talks down at you, especially in public. Abusers feel better about themselves when putting others down. Your embarrassment now becomes their enjoyment.
*Makes your life one sick circle- he abuses, appeases, abuses some more, appeases, and it goes on and on. You get stuck and leaving him becomes hard to imagine. The victim becomes ‘used to’ it (as sick as that might sound). A peculiar case of Stockholm syndrome, might I add.
*He blames you for the abuse, often starting his statements like this: ‘See what you made me do,’ ‘If you had not said or done this, it would not have happened.’
*Ochu is an Abuja-based journalist and blogger. She can be reached via christieochu@yahoo.com
