He currently struts the corridors of power but for a long time Reuben ABATI was probably the most opinionated newspaper columnist in the land. He did ‘misfire’ a few times, and on one such occasion he took on young Nigerian musicians. An interesting engagement followed and this was my reaction to it…enjoy.
It is dawn in heaven and all is quiet. Faint whimpering can be heard in a corner. GOD comes out of His abode, wondering where the sniffing is coming from…
GOD: Who is that? I say who is that?!
ABATI: It’s me sir. (Comes out from the corner, all drenched).
GOD: Ah, Reuben, what happened? Why are you all soaked?
ABATI: (Staring at his feet) It’s been raining heavily in Lagos lately sir.
GOD: Are we speaking metaphorically here? Seems to me that it’s a different kind of rain that’s been beating you o! (Suppresses a laugh)
ABATI: (Close to tears) you are not about to join them, are you? There’s only so much one man can take, you know.
GOD: (Trying very hard not to laugh) Pele. Sorry. But you sef, you yab! How could you have written that article? I can swear I made you better than that.
ABATI: But sir, I was speaking the truth now! Are you saying that I should shy away from speaking the truth because some small boys will be pissed off?
GOD: Small boys? You see, it’s talk like that that has ensured that you are receiving the biggest bashing in Naija’s journalism history! And what did you think they were going to do to you after you made heavily generalised statements and a mockery of their hard work, organise a welcome party for you at Swe?
ABATI: But there was nothing new in that article now, Benson Idonije has been saying the same thing for over a decade now and nobody has abused him, is it because he’s an old man? Did you hear some of the words the used to describe me? Some of the names they are calling me? Some of them even asked for my resignation! That’s just bloody preposterous!
GOD: Watch you language! But I agree, that was ridiculous. The problem was not actually what you said but how you said it. True, a lot of current Naija music, especially in the hip hop scene, is disposable. In fact most of them bother on the annoying and I am tempted to bring some of them back here for a spanking most times! But some of them are doing a great job and you foolishly lumped them together. Besides, for someone who preaches about human rights and freedom of speech, you goofed big time! Stupid music has a right to exist in Naija, as everywhere else in the world; let the buying audience be the ones to choose what they want to spend their money on…or not. After all, is it your money?!
ABATI: Thanks for the sermon, but I insist that I have a right to my opinion! And why do you keep saying Naija? It’s Nigeria…
GOD: Why not Naija?! You do have authoritarian tendencies in spite of all your democratic pretences, you know. ‘Naija’ is what they have chosen to call their nation; it is a mental departure from the Nigeria your generation handed over to them. It is particularly nauseating that it is someone like you who comes from a generation that mortgaged the future of these young people, canned the mortgage and sat of the can, that then goes ahead to make blatant declarations that seems to negate all they have brought forth from the nothingness they continue to live with daily. You may have a right to your opinion but a white supremacist does have a right to his opinion too, so why do you get pissed when he says black people are mentally inferior?
ABATI: That’s a biased opinion. It has no scientific backing!
GOD: All opinions are biased, my boy. And all unbiased opinions are useless.
ABATI: (Ranting) maybe I just wanted to get a discussion going, you know. No one is giving these small…erm young men and women any direction, there’s no critical interrogation of their art and it’s high time someone made an intervention. See, they just make music and think that that is the end of it, but you and I know that art without accompanying critical evaluation is truly diminished! I mean, okay, maybe I was importing foreign epistemological tools in the assessment of an indigenous cultural expression, but nonetheless they should have seen through my genuine concerns and not heap abuses on my poor head! See, this is what is killing Nollywood o; no critical engagement, just celebration!!!
GOD: Reuben o! Heheheheheeh! LWKM!!!
ABATI: What’s LWKM?
GOD: You see, how do you want to engage a generation whose lingo you don’t even understand?! It’s Laffta Wan Kill Me! (Yawns) Guy, I don tire jor. Make I enter go rest small. E go be now. Cash ya lerra.
God goes back inside
Abati returns to the corner, no longer whimpering.
Hours later, it is nightfall in heaven and GOD comes out for his evening stroll and finds ABATI dozing in the corner.
GOD: Guy, you are still here?
ABATI: It’s still raining heavily in Lagos sir.
GOD: Ah, you have to go back o, unless you want to make your stay permanent?
ABATI: No o. So, what should I do if the rain keeps falling?
GOD: Sing them a song.
ABATI: Please be serious!
GOD: You know that Baz Luhrmann song about wearing sunscreen? Sing this part to them:
Enjoy the beauty and power of your youth…
Accept certain in-eliable truths:
Prices will rise, politicians will philander and you too will get old
And when you do you’ll fantasise that when you were young
Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders
Respect your elders!
This article was first published as a Facebook note and is included in a forth-coming collection titled ‘Wanderings of a Rapidly Degenerating Mind’, to be published in 2012.
*Ihidero is a Lagos-based Writer and Filmmaker.
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